Our Story & Diagnosis
We first learned male factor infertility was part of our diagnosis after we had been trying for a year with no success. We both decided to undergo routine fertility testing after that year. Tests revealed significant abnormalities in Mike’s sperm analysis: Low count and low motility. What began as standard “let’s just check everything” testing quickly shaped our journey to parenthood because of infertility.
Before our own experience, we had very little awareness of male factor infertility. Like many people, we assumed infertility was more often related to women’s health. We were surprised to learn that male factor infertility contributes to nearly half of infertility cases and that some fertility doctors are more well-versed in MFI than others (which we learned the hard way!)
What surprised us most about the diagnosis was how isolating it felt for Mike. He felt he carried a lot of the burden of our infertility without a lot of support from doctors at the time. There were medical explanations but very little was being said about the emotional toll infertility takes on men and from a partner’s perspective, how difficult that can be.
Processing the Diagnosis — His Perspective
When Mike first heard the diagnosis, he felt shock, disbelief and sadness.
MFI impacted Mike significantly. He wrestled with feelings of inadequacy, like he was somehow failing me as a partner.
There were definitely moments when Mike felt pressure to “stay strong.” He didn’t want his sadness to impact me, being the one going through the infertility treatments (injections, appointments, etc.) Learning to talk openly and ask more questions of the doctors became a turning point to uncovering how we could get the help we needed. We learned about new technology at the time and tailored our team to medical professionals more well-versed in MFI.
Processing the Diagnosis — Her Perspective
When we learned male factor infertility was our main issue, my first reaction was heartbreak. Not disappointment, but heartbreak for the way our future family may or may not come to fruition. We were told we could only move forward with IVF after 2 failed cycles by using donor sperm. That was really hard and I could see how deeply it hit his sense of self. It was frustrating because we knew there was sperm to work with so why was donor sperm our “only” option?
Balancing supporting my husband while processing my own grief was, at times, difficult. I wanted to protect him from blame or shame, but I was also grieving the simplicity we thought our journey would be.
Even though our infertility diagnosis wasn’t “mine” per say – the treatments were happening to my body so it felt like a balancing act. In the end, though, it strengthened us as a couple because we had to learn that the pain and hope, the ups and downs of the fertility journey are not comparative – they are mutually shared.
We were very intentional about eliminating blame. It was neither of our “faults” but rather, the situation we found ourselves in and we made infertility the challenge and the barrier to overcome.
Navigating It Together as a Couple
Male factor infertility forced us to communicate more honestly. The hardest conversations were about “what if” scenarios: What if treatments didn’t work? What if this changed our timeline? What if we had to redefine what our path to parenthood looked like?
What kept us connected was choosing, over and over, to see this as our diagnosis, not mine or his. We approached it as a team and we made infertility the battle to fight together.
There were times we processed things differently. One felt hopeful while the other felt discouraged. We learned to hold space for each other’s emotions and take the next right step armed with as much information as possible.
Treatment Decisions & Medical Journey
We approached treatment decisions collaboratively, asking questions and making sure neither of us felt rushed. Having a compassionate and knowledgeable team made a tremendous difference.
The CRM Team helped us feel informed and human: Not just like another case number. They were open to repeating what we had found success with in the past and were very encouraging throughout the process.
There were overwhelming moments – especially with all of the appointments, hoping and waiting. Looking back, we wish we had known how emotionally tolling the waiting periods would be. The mental exhaustion of uncertainty is something you can’t really prepare for until you’re going through it.
Emotional & Mental Health Impact
Our infertility journey tested our mental health in ways we didn’t anticipate. There were waves of anxiety, grief and comparison. The “why us” gets very loud when you see so many other people around you getting pregnant quickly/easily.
I found that processing and sharing our IVF and infertility journey was helpful for me so I started an Instagram page (@ivf.infertility.club) to do just that. I use this platform to talk openly about IVF and male factor infertility and to provide encouragement, support and hope for others on a similar path. It has helped me tremendously. I’ve made life-long friends, shared the burden of carrying grief with others and have heard some incredible success stories!
The CRM Team acknowledged the emotional side of infertility, which can oftentimes be overlooked in the medical community. The staff was very caring and kind and went out of their way to explain the process every step of the way. That sort of support makes all the difference and can be a rare find in the fertility community.
Social & Cultural Pressures
We were initially selective about who we told we needed to go through IVF because of the misconceptions people have about IVF. Male (and female) factor infertility still carries stigma. Some people assume infertility automatically means something is “wrong” with the woman. Once we started sharing though, I really opened up about it and it felt supportive to talk to others.
We encountered misconceptions often in the form of well-intentioned but uninformed advice. Comments like “just relax” or “you can have my baby!” “just adopt” or “it will happen when you least expect it” were painful.
We wish more people understood that male factor infertility is common, medical and that it’s nothing to be ashamed of! There is hope no matter what type of MFI situation you’re facing.
Redefining Family & Masculinity
Our IVF journey reshaped our understanding of masculinity. It showed us that strength isn’t just muscling your way through something to get to the outcome you want. It’s vulnerability, having hard conversations and being willing to keep seeking answers if you feel you haven’t explored all of the options yet.
This journey has shaped our understanding of the true lengths parents go for their children no matter what. It has taught us that the path to parenthood often isn’t linear and that families are shaped in a lot of different ways. Those ways are all beautiful in their own right.
Undergoing IVF treatments showed me a strength, determination and commitment inside myself I didn’t know existed before. It has made me a more resilient person and partner.
Moments of Growth & Connection
We definitely got closer as a couple because of IVF. Undergoing the countless fertility treatments, appointments, injections, blood work, scans, etc. and laying it all out on the table caused us to have conversations and go through experiences that brought us closer together.
I am most proud of the way we kept our hope alive despite all of the setbacks we experienced during fertility treatment. We never allowed infertility to turn us against one another or cause any resentment.
Today we show up with more empathy, patience and a deeper appreciation for what it means to choose each other and our family daily.
Looking Back — Advice & Hope
To couples just beginning this journey please know that you are not alone. This diagnosis does not define your worth or your future. It’s not your fault and there is hope!
To men struggling in silence: Your masculinity is not measured by a lab result. Speak up. Your feelings are valid and carrying them alone only makes them heavier. I am always here to talk and my husband is too!
What gave us hope was the IVF community. I gained so much knowledge by reading and talking with other people bravely sharing their stories online. It helped me so much and continues to help me today. Seeing families built in different ways taught me that there isn’t only one path to parenthood.
IVF definitely changed us. It made us more resilient, compassionate and open to sharing with others in the hopes that our story can help them.
Final Reflection
One thing that isn’t talked about enough is the silent grief people can carry while going through fertility treatments. The reality can be really hard to face and talking about it can be extremely helpful!
We hope our story sends the message that male factor infertility can be very challenging but with the right support, medical team behind you and willingness to try whatever it takes, you can find your own path to parenthood, however that looks for you. You’re not alone and if you feel that way, please reach out.
If we could sum up our journey in one sentence: Never be afraid to advocate for yourself and remember that hope is the only thing greater than fear.
